31 weeks- Preparation for Change

So many things are about to happen in our lives...just 9 weeks (or earlier...agh!). We have a list of things to do before Baby (Gurrll) Clark arrives.

• Decide on a name.... once and for all. 
• Upon returning from our Baby Shower Weekend in NC, our living room currently looks like we robbed a Babies R Us. We have to find a place for all our baby loot which requires ORGANIZATION. Not my strong suit. (help, Virginia!)
• Finish painting the nursery. Don't worry. It's almost done. Richard is the MAN!
• Pick up the crib from our friends who are giving us one. It's so beautiful.
• Set up and arrange whatever furniture we choose to put in the nursery, decorate, organize, etc.
• We NEED a recliner, so we have to go find one or shop Craigslist.
• Sign up and schedule birthing class and hospital tour
• In addition to writing "thank you" notes, begin to baby proof our condo, and pray, pray, pray, and then add 30 more things that we don't know we need to do yet.

But then there is so much internal and physical stuff that needs to be prepared too:

• I have to learn to not like sleep for quite some time...and/ or the rest of my life.
• I have to prepare to transition from being a "working woman" to being a "new mommy"...as natural as that role is, I hear it is not an easy transition.
• Furthermore, my "work" has been investing in the lives of children for 7 years. I am going to miss leading children in worship, talking to them every week, teaching Biblical principles and sharing Jesus Christ. Basically, a ministry to hundreds is becoming a ministry to one child.
• My body is about to go through a MAJOR adjustment and stretching and warping. Can I handle it mentally and physically? Will I recover quickly? Will I ever have clothes that fit again?

Our schedule, activities, energy levels, budget, our space...it is all going to change. And I'm thrilled, BUT it's change. A big change that I full recognize is coming yet have absolutely no way to prepare for.

Becoming a blogger has peaked my interest in other bloggers, specifically moms. Someone had posted this earlier, and while I wish I could have more time to bestow such eloquent words...this girl actually has already "been there, done that" so she knows what she's talking about. I won't post the whole thing, but if you want to read it in its entirety, click here.

Motherhood is Application 

by Rachel Jankovic

If I had to pick one word to describe motherhood, I think that word would be “transforming.”
The days of a busy mother are made up of millions of transformations. Dirty children become clean, the hungry child fed, the tired child sleeping. Almost every task a mother performs in the course of a normal day could be considered a transformation. Disorder to order, dirty clothes to clean, unhappy children to peaceful, empty fridge to full. Every day we fight against disorder, filth, starvation, and lawlessness, and some days we might almost succeed. And then, while we sleep, everything unravels and we start again in the morning — transforming.

Days of these little cycles add up and suddenly you see a big transformation. A nursing infant has become a boy on a bicycle, a baby bump has grown into a toddler, and children have been changed into brothers and sisters.

Then there is the kind of transformations that we do — not because we work at it, but because we were created to do it. You eat your lunch, and your body transforms it into nourishment for a baby. Taking something too big for an infant, and still finding a way to feed them with it — with the goal of growing them up to do it themselves.

Pregnancy and nursing are only a small part of a child’s life though — and this cycle is clearly not only a physical one. It is the spiritual cycle of food that is so much more important, and so much less talked about. Christian mothering is a constant cycle of nourishment — both physical and spiritual.

and then later she says...

Mothering is a job that is full of difficult moments. Diapers blow out in stores when you have too much in your cart to just walk out. Sudden carsickness can leave you pulled over on the side of the road wondering just how much can be done with half a bag of wet wipes. You need to take what you believe and apply it to these difficult moments. Does the Bible teach us that God is disgusted by our frailty? That he doesn’t want to carry our burdens? That he doesn’t have the energy to deal with us?

The good news is, you don’t need to have been through some elite mother’s training camp to apply the gospel in your life. You need to believe. Trust God, give thanks. Laugh. Believe — and that will feed your children. Rest in God, and your children will learn to. Extend God’s kindness to you, to them. Forgive them the way God forgave you. You have everything you need to spiritually nourish your children, because you have Christ.

What an amazing comfort to be reminded that I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED because of Christ in me. He is my HOPE today.


How do you handle change?

30 weeks- Non-committal

I can't believe I am 30 weeks! The baby is about 3 pounds, about the size of a cabbage. (why don't think pick more appealing fruits and veggies. Cabbage? Bleh.) Only 10 weeks left....whoa.

I woke up this morning at 2:30 AM because I had to go to the bathroom. Normal. However when I got back in bed all I could think about was the nursery and the bedding I bought the day before at a consignment sale. I tossed and turned for over an hour about CRIB BEDDING! I had decided a couple months ago on  pink and green owl print...but it was a little pricey so I wasn't sure I could get it. And if I pay a lot of money, I want to love it! All this time I have wanted to used the pink and green color combo for something.  I am having a GIRL! This was my time to finally do it, and then I went and bought a mauve, pale pink, and chocolate crib bedding with toille and  beaded tassels. What was I thinking?

I can't commit to a name yet either. It's hard when my husband responds to name ideas with "Yeah, unless we think of something better." The problem is, I believe the "something better" name was one he already turned down. So to me, no name sounds better...I'm just settling. I will suggest a name. Richard will agree that it's "not bad" or "prettier than the last one", and we will share with one or two people a name we are "thinking about". But 2 weeks later, I hate the name. I can't commit. Poor Richard can't keep up. (Pray for him.)

I'm not sure if I am feeling the pressure of motherhood, exhaustion or anxiety, or if this is all hormone related. The combination of all of these is possible too. But it's weird to me how much of a perfectionist I am NOT, and yet I am so worried about regretting my decisions about big and little things all the time. I'm usually so quick to respond or answer questions, and I don't need to take time to analyze and or weigh the outcome. I could always just decide. AND I'm good at giving advice about deciding things. I can give you a cool quote or Bible verse or explain the situation so that you can see the logical and obvious choice. So obviously, I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact of how indecisive I am.

The bedding was a good deal at the consignment sale, and I bought it because I didn't think I could find a better deal. But since I was so bothered by my purchase at 3 in the morning, I decided that I needed to just see if I could try a little harder to find a bedding I liked at a really good deal. And I did. At 7:45 AM I emailed a Craigslist add for a GORGEOUS pink and green nursery bedding set for $30 less than what I paid for the mauve one. AND it includes a diaper stacker and lampshade. Cool! (I might hate it later.)

So...we are going to sell the mauve and brown one on eBay. Anyone interested? :)

24 weeks-Hope Remains

Hope. You do not have to be a Christian to know what hope is. We hope our team wins. Hope they are serving dessert at dinner. We hope we do well on tests. We hope that our plans will pan out and everyone will be happy.


But hope that is Christian based, that is established in Jesus Christ, that is real hope. That hope is something that lasts, when everything around you crumbles. When everyone you've counted on gives up on you. When your job is shaky and your health is waning, a hope in Jesus Christ is something you can hold on to because your hope is not based on other people, or circumstances, or even yourself. It is based on an Eternal, Just, Holy, and Mighty God, who is Infinite in power and knowledge. He holds our future, therefore He is our hope.


Psalm 25:3-5
"No one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame...  Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."


I've known this in my head for many years, but I've struggled with understanding it and accepting it in my soul through this past year. There are many aspects to faith that cannot be truly understood or felt until they have been tested. Truly bumped. What is the quote that compares us to vases? Just like a vase full of water: You will find out the true character of someone by what comes out when they are bumped. Something like that.


Well, lets just say that 2010 was a BUMPY year for us. In February we were delighted to find out we were pregnant. But no more than 4 weeks after we found out, I miscarried. I spent the next month enveloped in WebMD and health books, trying to figure out what I did to cause this. By the way... NEVER go on WebMD after something like this. You just end up with way too much information and paranoia soon follows. I ended up throwing away lots of shampoo, soap, medicine, cleaning products, and all BPA water bottles.

I put expectations on myself and on God to "come through for me" since He owes me, right? I made the mistake of telling God what He should do in my life next. I wanted to get pregnant again right away. My prayer for the remaining months was that I would be pregnant again before my due date of the one I lost. Totally feasible, and with God anything is possible, right? But that wasn't His plan. 


In September, same story. Another early miscarriage. Another disappointment. I want to tell you that in both situations I was clinging to my Bible and praying all the time. But I was frustrated with God. I was mad, and it was hard to pull my Bible out at all. My due date in October for the first pregnancy was the hardest day to walk through, not only grieving all over again, but feeling disappointment and anger towards God all over again. 

God blessed me with great friends and family and a spiritual mentor to encourage me and lift me up in prayer. My mentor, Linda, reminded me that as much as I like to think I caused this pregnancy or had anything to do with it, it is God who creates life.

Psalm 139:13-14 
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."


and...


Job 1:21
"... The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.”


God's timetable is different than ours. This was a hard lesson to take from my years of scripture memory and study and REALLY apply it to my heart. But I will say there is hope. There is a purpose in everything. We have a loving Father who sees our dreams, desires and hopes, and waits for the actual and precise moment to proceed them into our lives.

Isaiah 55:9 
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Yesterday was the beginning of week 24 and viability, means there is enough medical knowledge and technology to sustain a baby outside the womb. I am thankful that things have been healthy and normal this far and that I am not freaking out as much as I thought I would be. I have peace. I am amazed at the way God has eased my anxiety and taught me to trust in Him and His plans. 

I named this blog "and hope remains" as a reminder for whatever happens, whatever circumstances or issues rise up, whatever I face in life and pregnancy, I will have hope. The title was completely for my own benefit. These other postings can attribute to my constant need for reminders. Ha! I just needed to be reminded where my hope comes from. 


So...do you have hope?

Week 20- Pink explosion

At 20 weeks, the baby is the size of a banana.

We are having a GIRL!

I cannot believe it. I really thought all this time that it was a boy, and so my brain has been processing boys for so long that transferring thoughts to peonies, daisies, glitter, and ballet is quite a transition. But I am thankful and excited just the same!

We had our ultrasound at a perinatal office on Friday. The best I can describe is a very specialized ultrasound since my pregnancy is high risk. The benefits of being "high-risk" is that the doctors are very cautious and have to do a lot more ultrasounds than normal.... so I get to see my baby every 6 weeks. Hooray!

Richard went to this appointment with me, and my super active baby was still super active (she is going to be a dancer, I believe!). During this ultrasound they go through all the anatomy and check everything: from measuring the femur bone and forearm, to counting the bones in the pink finger. This is also of course where they confirm the sex of the baby. We didn't want to be surprised! We were ready to find out.

As the technician was doing some measurements of the stomach and and torso, she kept laughing at how the baby was putting her (ah! her!!) hand in all the shots. (That is such an Uncle Tay tay thing to do!) So you see her ankle and toes and...a hand. They she would MOOOOVE around and put her hands above her head. and then back down again. I just kept thinking, jazz hands! (See? Dancer.)

After that nurse was finished she said "stay as you are" (goop and all) because the doctor would come in to look too. But they sent in another nurse to confirm a measurement, and more goop was squirted on my stomach. Then she left and 10 minutes later the doctor came in and added more goop. Ick! I think they just like the splft! sound the bottle makes. Richard took a picture of my goopiness. Thanks, dear.

Everything looked normal and healthy.  Praise the Lord! They don't see any concerns right now. The doctor just wants to keep an eye on things, so I go back mid July for another ultrasound.


As soon as we left they doctor, we both started calling family and friends. I had a few confusing conversations in the car as my excitement and Richard's excitement spilled together into a dueling phone match. :)

Richard said a few times, "my world is about to explode in pink!" He's soooo right!

19 Weeks- the Kicking Tomato

I am at 19 weeks today and the baby is the size of an heirloom tomato.  I have started to feel a lot of commotion and movement lately, even some light kicks. It's really amazing and no words can describe the feeling.

I just had to show this:


Each week, I get an update from an app on my iPhone (from a website called babycenter.com) about the progress of the baby and a picture pops up like this one at 12 weeks:

 Growing. Developing. Happy and content. But wait...
 
This is the picture that came up today (at 19 weeks)!

Really?  No wonder the little thing is starting to kick. If the baby is anything like me, he/she is having some MAJOR personal space issues. I would be having a serious meltdown at this point.

Speaking of HE or SHE...we are finding out on FRIDAY if we are decorating the nursery with airplanes or ruffles. We can't wait!

17 weeks-Turning Turnip Green

There is a scene in the Bourne Identity, where Jason Bourne is explaining to Marie about the weird senses he is picking up in the diner. (I looked it up.)


Jason Bourne: I come in here, and the first thing I'm doing is I'm catching the sightlines and looking for an exit. 
Marie: I see the exit sign, too, I'm not worried. I mean, you were shot. People do all kinds of weird and amazing stuff when they are scared. 
Jason Bourne: I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside. I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs two hundred fifteen pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab of the gray truck outside, and at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking. Now why would I know that? 


I can relate...


Christen: I walk into any room, and the first thing I do is check for the exit. I can tell how many trashcans are in the room that I could throw up in a moment's notice. I can tell you which people around me look like they would be helpful if I were to get sick and which ones could jump out of the way the fastest. I know the best person to ask for a ginger ale, and I can walk 3 flights of stairs before my nausea starts up again. Now why would I know that?

I am 17 and 1/2 weeks pregnant (the baby is the size of a turnip...not very glamorous), and well into my second trimester. I want to say that I feel great and that my second trimester is full of energy and no more sickness. That is still not the case. Everything that my pregnancy app is telling me i should be feeling right now isn't happening. 


This morning, as I was pulling into church, I noticed the banana I was eating tasted a little strange. I parked, got out of my car and puked on the ground next to my car. I walked about 10 more feet and puked in a bush. I believe the geese that inhabit our church property were laughing at me 2 bushes over. Thankfully, I don't THINK anyone saw me. 


I am continually impressed with the pregnant women I hear about who can throw up and bounce right back into whatever they are doing. I'm not there yet. I require a make up change and a 2 hour nap.


On another note, I went to the doctor last week for a check up. I got to hear the heartbeat. It was solid and steady. On June 3, Richard and I will find out the sex of the baby. I can't wait to see the baby again.


I have also bought a few baby things recently, a high chair and a bouncy seat at a yard sale, and a really cute sailor dress at the thrift store. I don't know if I am having a girl, but the dress was so precious and only $3. I couldn't pass that up.


Even with all the sickness, I am loving being pregnant. I love planning and preparing for this baby, and I am praying that I can be the kind of mother that God wants me to be. 

Buns, Covets and Flittles

Happy Mother's Day! Many friends have wished me a Happy "first Mother's Day", but I don't feel like it will truly be my FIRST until I am holding a little one. Even still, I am honored to be a "soon to be" mother...and I don't mind the cards and attention (Let's be honest!).

Wow. I'm way behind on this here. So much has happened the the past MONTH...That's way too long. I'm sorry to report so much in one, but I wanted to get everyone caught up. Hold on to your butts!

I had a fabulous 13 week ultrasound on April 22. The tech was trying to measure but the baby moved, kicked, rolled and punched A LOT! At one point the tech just laughed and said "Where are you going?!" to the baby because he/she was dodging in and out. This of course made me laugh so then the poor ultrasound tech had to start over.  I have decided that the baby is DEFINITELY mine because he/she loves working out and/ or showing off.

What a beautiful baby! :)

I love the hand! "Hey!"

Because all went well, I felt it was finally time to announce to the world that I was having a baby. So I posted this picture on Facebook and let everyone figure it out.

Now I am approaching 16 weeks (on Wednesday). The beginning of my second trimester has been rough. During participating in the Atlanta Passion Play, I had come down with an awesome sinus infection. After enduring a week and a half of misery, I finally went to the doctor who gave me some antibiotics, and even still, I was super cautious about how much Sudafed and allergy medicine I took. I drank water and Gatorade like it was going out of style; mainly for my throat and in hopes of flushing the sickness out. That just made me pee MORE. Awesome. Also, the infection caused me to puke quite a few times. I didn't throw up AT ALL during my first trimester, even with the intense nausea. I tried my mom's method of talking myself out of it, but this sinus infection totally won! Hopefully I am finally passed that and can begin to enjoy the energy and less morning sickness.

This past week, Richard and I got to go on our "Just Us Vacation." When we got married, our friends, the Fishers, told us to always try to get away alone once a year. And we have made it a tradition. We had big hopes for our "Just Us Vacay" this year that included a roadtrip down the California coast. However, that was BEFORE we found out we were pregnant. We decided to save the money, and enjoy some relaxation at Myrtle Beach, SC. We stayed in a beautiful high rise condo owned by my wonderful relatives. The condo overlooked the beach, so each morning I could watch the ocean and read and pray. It was a great time for Richard and I to rest and enjoy each other's company.

In the past few weeks I have noticed that my "cravings" have turned into "covets". Instead of craving random foods or strange combinations with pickles, I just want what someone else is having. If I see someone enjoying a snack, I want that....and will covet it all day. If I see a billboard, magazine ad, or commercial, I am enticed to go get that thing (or send Richard). I have even read a few people's FB status of what they were making for a meal, and decided I needed that thing. This morning I read a friend was making pancakes with strawberries for their mother's day breakfast. Guess what Richard is making me for Mother's Day Dinner? Mmm.  

I will say that bacon is the only constant. I can eat that every meal everyday! So now I believe that my child will be very much like Aunt Lala, who can eat a pound of bacon in one sitting.

The first part of your pregnancy, the baby seems to be more of a "theory" because you are only recognizing the symptoms and changes. AND you have to remind yourself that you aren't just getting fat...someONE is growing inside you. Then there is a flittle!  A tap tap! I have to be paying attention or I get it confused with a gas bubble or hunger pains.  I am beginning to notice the flittles when I lay flat on my back. And then I am just in awe! Having a baby is TRULY miraculous. I am amazed at what God is doing inside me!

Praise the Lord!