But hope that is Christian based, that is established in Jesus Christ, that is real hope. That hope is something that lasts, when everything around you crumbles. When everyone you've counted on gives up on you. When your job is shaky and your health is waning, a hope in Jesus Christ is something you can hold on to because your hope is not based on other people, or circumstances, or even yourself. It is based on an Eternal, Just, Holy, and Mighty God, who is Infinite in power and knowledge. He holds our future, therefore He is our hope.
Psalm 25:3-5
"No one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame... Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
I've known this in my head for many years, but I've struggled with understanding it and accepting it in my soul through this past year. There are many aspects to faith that cannot be truly understood or felt until they have been tested. Truly bumped. What is the quote that compares us to vases? Just like a vase full of water: You will find out the true character of someone by what comes out when they are bumped. Something like that.
Well, lets just say that 2010 was a BUMPY year for us. In February we were delighted to find out we were pregnant. But no more than 4 weeks after we found out, I miscarried. I spent the next month enveloped in WebMD and health books, trying to figure out what I did to cause this. By the way... NEVER go on WebMD after something like this. You just end up with way too much information and paranoia soon follows. I ended up throwing away lots of shampoo, soap, medicine, cleaning products, and all BPA water bottles.
I put expectations on myself and on God to "come through for me" since He owes me, right? I made the mistake of telling God what He should do in my life next. I wanted to get pregnant again right away. My prayer for the remaining months was that I would be pregnant again before my due date of the one I lost. Totally feasible, and with God anything is possible, right? But that wasn't His plan.
In September, same story. Another early miscarriage. Another disappointment. I want to tell you that in both situations I was clinging to my Bible and praying all the time. But I was frustrated with God. I was mad, and it was hard to pull my Bible out at all. My due date in October for the first pregnancy was the hardest day to walk through, not only grieving all over again, but feeling disappointment and anger towards God all over again.
God blessed me with great friends and family and a spiritual mentor to encourage me and lift me up in prayer. My mentor, Linda, reminded me that as much as I like to think I caused this pregnancy or had anything to do with it, it is God who creates life.
In September, same story. Another early miscarriage. Another disappointment. I want to tell you that in both situations I was clinging to my Bible and praying all the time. But I was frustrated with God. I was mad, and it was hard to pull my Bible out at all. My due date in October for the first pregnancy was the hardest day to walk through, not only grieving all over again, but feeling disappointment and anger towards God all over again.
God blessed me with great friends and family and a spiritual mentor to encourage me and lift me up in prayer. My mentor, Linda, reminded me that as much as I like to think I caused this pregnancy or had anything to do with it, it is God who creates life.
Psalm 139:13-14
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
and...
Job 1:21
"... The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.”
God's timetable is different than ours. This was a hard lesson to take from my years of scripture memory and study and REALLY apply it to my heart. But I will say there is hope. There is a purpose in everything. We have a loving Father who sees our dreams, desires and hopes, and waits for the actual and precise moment to proceed them into our lives.
Isaiah 55:9
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Yesterday was the beginning of week 24 and viability, means there is enough medical knowledge and technology to sustain a baby outside the womb. I am thankful that things have been healthy and normal this far and that I am not freaking out as much as I thought I would be. I have peace. I am amazed at the way God has eased my anxiety and taught me to trust in Him and His plans.
I named this blog "and hope remains" as a reminder for whatever happens, whatever circumstances or issues rise up, whatever I face in life and pregnancy, I will have hope. The title was completely for my own benefit. These other postings can attribute to my constant need for reminders. Ha! I just needed to be reminded where my hope comes from.
So...do you have hope?
