taking a moment...

I am trying to put together a little more of my story for the past year, and I wanted to explain the purpose for my title "and hope remains." However, I have had to save it and put it away a few times, because it is starting to get vulnerable. I don't like that. I want to come through upbeat and sound like I am doing fine. But the truth is, this past year has been bumpy, and I feel as though my spiritual walk has been less than what I want to portray.

It pains me to say that I was or ever could be angry at God. I'm ashamed at my struggle with my faith sometimes. I work at a church so I feel that I shouldn't struggle with things like this. It should come easy to me, right? (Wrong. Very wrong. It's crazy and often unspiritual working at a church. Hello!) Anyways, I doubt there is anyone with a genuine faith in God that does not go through moments of struggle and doubt. We should; it's part of building a relationship with Him. Jacob, a patriarch of the Bible, struggled...no he wrestled with God (Genesis 23:24-28).

And as painful as moments of tumult can be, I almost want to experience them if it means I will experience a deepening in my relationship and faith. I don't know really how to appropriately explain that except that I'm not asking for fire to rain down on me. But I don't want my faith to be based on happy, feel-good feelings all the time or view God as a genie-like problem fixer. He is God. It is for HIS sake that I live and breathe, and not the other way around.

I was reading an article by Kim Gentes the other day where he was talking about worship leaders and their desire to display the right kind of welcoming, triumphant programming. He said, "While there is strong scriptural precedent for mournful sorrow, frustrated concern, and even languishing anger, very few modern Christian leaders speak on such topics."

How true! There are too few Christian books, music, and sermons that are willing to go into the gutsy part of the Bible that talks about raw emotions and struggle. We like the triumphant, "we win!" stuff  better. So today, as I snack on my goldfish crackers before lunch, I wanted to take a moment to be open first.

I'm nauseous and vulnerable today!